What do you say when you hear someone say “That’s so gay!”? Sometimes I giggle, sometimes I squirm. I definitely take a quick look around to see what everyone else is doing … saying … thinking. I don’t want to
What do you say when you hear someone say “That’s so gay!”?
Sometimes I giggle, sometimes I squirm. I definitely take a quick look around to see what everyone else is doing … saying … thinking. I don’t want to make something out of nothing. I don’t want to stand out or stand up.
But what message am I sending by what I do or don’t do, say or don’t say? What am I standing for?
The Human Relations Commission in its Welcoming Schools Guide tells us that it’s essential to respond so that we can create a sense of safety and understanding for our kids. If they see or hear the word “gay” used like that and no one takes any action, what are they to think and believe? If my coach, my friend’s dad, my teacher, my mom giggles, nods, doesn’t disagree, it must be OK to say “gay” in that way, use it as a put-down, as an insult.
Insults are negative, disrespectful and hurtful. I want to be positive, respectful, nurturing and affirming for my child and I want my child to grow up with these same traits. So yes, I guess I do want to do something different when I hear this insult and slur. But what is that something?
Thanks to the Welcoming Schools Guide, we have some help:
Stop it
Keep it simple with quick responses
“Remember, we don’t use put-downs.”
“It’s not OK to say ‘That’s so gay.’”
“It’s not OK to use that phrase.”
“You may not have meant to be hurtful, but when you use the word ‘gay’ to mean something is bad or stupid, it is hurtful.”
Educate
Be clear with your children that, when they use the word “gay” in a negative way, it is disrespectful.
Also be clear that using the phrase “That’s so gay” is hurtful to those who have parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, neighbors, friends and other family members who are gay.
Let your children know that you have rules against any name-calling and this phrase is part of those rules.
Respond
Don’t ignore it. Name-calling and hurtful teasing will continue and could even get worse if you don’t take action.
Don’t be afraid of making the situation worse. You may not know exactly what to say but you must stop the hurtful actions so your children will know how to respond themselves. With experience, you’ll get more and more comfortable knowing how to handle these situations.
Don’t excuse the behavior. If you say “He doesn’t really know what it means” or “She was only joking,” you’re excusing behavior that hurts someone else.
Don’t try to judge how upset the target is. We have no way of knowing how the person on the receiving end is really feeling. Targets, though embarrassed, often pretend that they are not hurt or offended. If you say “He didn’t seem upset by her remarks,” you trivialize the child’s feelings and tell the harasser that it’s OK to make hurtful comments.
Don’t be immobilized by fear, shame or uncertainty. Now you have a strategy to use.
June is Pride Month. That’s the month when lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgendered, and intersexed people and their allies celebrate the changes that have occurred in our communities that accept diversity, affirm openness and acceptance and rejoice in the capacity of all to join together in respect and understanding.
• Madeleine Hiraga-Nuccio is with the Kaua’i Family Guidance Center.
Pride Month
A “Pride & Justice in the Workplace” conference is scheduled from 9 a.m. to 1 p.m. today. Pre-registration and more information is available at http://www.kauaipride.eventbrite.com/. There is a $20 suggested donation, payable the day of the conference at registration to cover the cost of snacks and lunch at Courtyard by Marriott Kauai at Coconut Beach, 650 Aleka Loop in Kapaa.
The keynote address speaker is Dr. Amy Agbayani. Other speakers include Kauai Mayor Bernard P. Carvalho Jr.; Kauai Councilman Gary Hooser and Kauai County Prosecuting Attorney Justin Kollar.
Pride at Work Hawaii will present how to bring greater equality through employer policies and union contracts.
Also, information on knowing when and how to file reports to human resources or to the Hawaii Civil Rights Commission will be available.
