Sometimes it’s hard to believe that what seems obvious to you, isn’t understood in the same way by someone else. I’m not talking about acuity. That’s the actual biological process of how images are flashed into the brain. I’m talking
Sometimes it’s hard to believe that what seems obvious to you, isn’t understood in the same way by someone else. I’m not talking about acuity. That’s the actual biological process of how images are flashed into the brain. I’m talking about perception. Perception is how we interpret what is flashed into the brain.
I took a psychology course in college that showed a study of how people perceive differently. In the study, people were told they would be looking at pictures of different objects and had to tell the tester what they saw. Testers gave examples of the things they might see.
In one group of people they told them they might see a pair of glasses. In the other group they were told they would see a dumbbell. One card was two circles connected by a line. Sure enough, many of the people who were told they might see glasses called that card glasses, and those who were told dumbbells called it dumbbells.
It’s important that we understand we all have different experiences that have resulted in different ways of perceiving things. If I have an uncle taking medical marijuana to stimulate appetite during chemo treatments, I’ll feel differently about marijuana than the person who’s son was permanently crippled because a marijuana smoker lost control of the wheel of his car.
That college class helped me when conflicts came up with my parents. I could say, “Dad, you are a 46-year-old decorated World War II pilot, Pan Am captain, and have had many worldly experiences. I am a 20-year-old woman who has had many other different kinds of experiences, spending my time learning to be a teacher and helping people. We’re going to see things differently. But I will listen to what you say, and I want you to listen to what I’ll say.”
Too bad I didn’t know that while I lived at home, and I hope that you can try it now, whether you are the child, the parent, the spouse or a guest.
To say to someone, “You have to see it my way” is virtually impossible. It can’t be done. Dr. Lee McGaan is a psychology professor at Monmouth College. He has a website entitled communication and perception. He states that factors that cause perceptions to vary between people are:
• Physiological: We may actually physically hear, see, or feel something different from another. What’s “scary” for a four-year-old might be “funny” to a 14-year-old. What’s “scary” to a 14-year-old is “life happens” to a 64-year-old.
• Past experiences and roles. A mother who thinks of the total needs of her family will perhaps perceive differently from her daughter who is just thinking of herself. A homeless person will be grateful for used clothing, but a person who measures self-worth by clothing might be offended.
• Culture: If in my culture family blood always comes first, I might not report my son who sells meth, even though I’ve seen others hurt as a result of his sales. If my culture is that we are one family of man, I might do whatever it takes to get my son to stop selling, even if it means time in jail to help him and protect others.
• Present feelings: Have you noticed that when you start your day happy, you have a better day? You see things as generally good. If you start out depressed, you may see more negativity in your world. It’s a proven fact. One way to get yourself boosted up in the morning is to be grateful for what your have. You’ll be surprised at how great the list is compared to others in the world.
The website goes on to say that “we actually select sensory cues — we only notice some of the sensory information we receive.” When I come home I always notice the flowers in my hallway, not the boxes or clothing waiting for recycling. Therefore if I’m in a conflict about something, I may only hear part of what is said, or see a part of what happened. Insurance companies, mediators and lawyers know all about this. I believe it’s why our forefathers stated that we have a right to be tried by a jury of our peers.
So after we get the data, our brain organizes it to make sense out of it. Based on my experiences do I see the glasses or dumbbell … is this a forest or a tree, a policeman or teacher?
Finally we interpret what we see. “He’s safe! He’s out! I’m safe, I’d better run! He loves me! She loves me not. We must remember to not make overgeneralizations, like “All pit bulls are vicious.” “All people should believe this religion.” “All the cool kids wear x.”
As we mature, we have more experiences and our perceptions and interpretations change, but they are still unique to us. No one thinks exactly as we do. Arguments are resolved by doing our best to explain our side and how we perceive a situation to the other person, who will do the same for us. Maybe we’ll reach an agreement that’s a win-win, and maybe not, but we’ll understand why the other person thinks like they do. Ask respectful questions for better understanding along the way.
It’s arrogant (big-headed) to think that others should see things the way we do. It’s respectful to listen to each other and understand why a person thinks the way they do. If we both agree that we want each other to be happy with the outcome, we’ll have a very interesting conversation and we may learn something that we can use later in our lives.
I’ve been arrogant and I lost a friend. I always want to hear a person’s side about something, but sometimes others don’t want to talk or listen. Love them anyway and just do your best. Don’t hold a grudge. It will bring you down. Think the best of people, not the worst. Maybe your faith in them will bring something wonderful out of them. Keep talking and most definitely keep listening. That’s how you’ll grow. People change!
• Questions? Hale `Opio Kaua’i convened a support group of adults in our Kaua’i community to “step into the corner” for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Please email your questions or concerns facing our youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org
