Well, someone finally asked me to write about the big question that comes up for teens of all ages. “How do I know if it is love that I am feeling for this person?” Answer: There is a deep sense
Well, someone finally asked me to write about the big question that comes up for teens of all ages.
“How do I know if it is love that I am feeling for this person?” Answer: There is a deep sense of loving presence that this person holds in our hearts, that brings us peace and joy. We want the best for this person, and believe that this person wants the best for us. We trust this person with our lives, our secrets, our dreams and happiness, and our beloved feels the same for us.
What we need to be aware of is that love is of the higher mind and heart. Passion is the desire to be with another person, expressing physically. Religions call it lust, and psychologists call it erotic love. It comes from the animal part of human self. It’s not bad, but it is only a part of ourselves. We are body, mind and spirit. The truth is, that usually we are attracted to the physical form of a person first. It’s confusing when we are coming of age. We think that the physical “rush” or attraction we have for another means that we really like them. But if you think about it, how could that be, when you don’t know anything about them?
In actuality, they are a player in our fantasy of being with them. It’s all in our heads, and if I’m making it up, I get everything that I like and want. Wake up call!
Spend some time with them to know if you’d trust them with your life, dreams, secrets, etc.? That pretty face could end up being a gold digger, wanting you to buy pretty or expensive things for her. That handsome dude probably knows it, and may or may not use it to get you into his love nest. So even though our hormones are urging us to express physically, take some time to listen to your mind and heart too.
What does this person talk about? Do you share similar interests, and like to do the same things? If you are an A-student, and going to college, and this person has trouble putting a sentence together and talks only about sports, it might be an indication that over time you both would get bored with each other.
If your goal is to save some money for your future dreams, and the person you find yourself with lives for today from paycheck to paycheck, can you imagine the conversations you’ll have in the future when there are so many financial details to consider?
If you are a person who cares about your body and wants to eat right and exercise, and this gorgeous person smokes, drinks, and eats poorly, there had better be other interests and ideals that you share together, because over time this person may not be able to walk or ride bikes or do activities that you like. But this could be an easy fix.
When I was dating my husband of 31 years, he smoked. He didn’t know much about nutrition. Now my dad and uncle both died from lung trouble because they smoked. I wasn’t going to go through that sadness again and knew that I would never marry a man who smoked. I told him that I wouldn’t kiss him if he smoked, and he quit. That got my mind’s and heart’s attention! We talked about nutrition, and he actually liked everything I put in front of him, and now he even prepares me some nutritious meals occasionally.
It always helps to meet a person’s family. Then you get to see the expression and patterns that a person experienced for years. These have an unconscious, if not conscious, influence on how a person acts. They can continue to express them, or if they were negative, the person may want to change them. This takes some support, from outside the family. Others reinforce the new behaviors, and may ignore or suggest new ways of expressing the negative behaviors.
I found an article online from “Psychology Today” by Philippa Perry, entitled, “How do You Know When You Are in Love?” There was a lot of time spent on explaining the difference between the physical passionate of love, and being in love. While most of us are initially attracted to a pleasing physical form, it is when that energy “turns into the active behaviors of listening, caring, dialogue, appreciation, mutual impact and priority” that mature love occurs.(http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/how-stay-sane/201304/how-do-you-know-when-you-are-in-love)
Mutual impact means you both affect each other and make a difference in each other’s lives. You’re both important to each other. Priority means that this person is regarded as more important than others. But it is not forced. If a person wants to be in control of people you see, and wants you to only see him or her. RUN! This person doesn’t love you. He needs you to fulfill a lack he has in himself. Maybe he never loved himself until you began to act lovingly to him. Now he thinks he can’t feel this love unless you provide it. This is one of the foundations of future abuse. Seriously, get to counseling if you really like him, or untangle now.
So talk to and listen to each other. This means with cellphones off. This person is your priority for awhile. Tell the other person what you appreciate about them. Do activities together with other friends, and alone. Before it ever happens, make a plan on how you’ll work out conflicts. Respect yourself and the other person. Cook a meal for each other. Care for each other. That comes from the heart, and is where spirit resides. The relationship may not last forever, but you will learn a lot about yourself and others through doing these things. Next week I’ll share about the five ways that people prefer to give and receive love.
• Hale Opio Kauai convened a support group of adults in our Kauai community to “step into the corner” for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Please email your questions or concerns facing our youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org
