LIHU’E – Henry Lange of Po’ipu talks about the “right sense of mind” needed to be a foster parent. For Melissa and Stephen Tangalin of Hanapepe, whose “family mission” is to extend beyond their own biological family and have positive
LIHU’E – Henry Lange of Po’ipu talks about the “right sense of mind” needed to
be a foster parent.
For Melissa and Stephen Tangalin of Hanapepe, whose
“family mission” is to extend beyond their own biological family and have
positive influences on others, foster parenting was a natural thing to
do.
Even when it meant doubling the sibling size of their household from
three to six.
According to Melissa Tangalin, who knew she had another
calling when as an X-ray technician on the mainland she had to take X-ray
pictures of a dead child who had suffered physical abuse, the foster children
under her care need what her biological children need and get from her: “A big
ol’ hug and structured environment.”
“Kids need to be loved and nourished
at all times and at all costs,” said Lynn Lange, 47, Henry’s wife.
“We
decided that we really could do a service to help the less fortunate,” said
Lange, who with her husband has been a foster parent to children in California
and on Kaua’i for 15 years.
“As a foster parent, you can make a real
difference in a child’s life,” said Lynn Luttrell of Kapa’a, who along with
husband Phil has been a foster parent on Kaua’i for 16 years.
“Foster
parenting is a life-changing experience,” says Barbara Wright, president of
Hawai’i State Foster Parents Association. “You not only help a child, but your
own family is rewarded in so many ways. The experience gives you an opportunity
to learn more about yourself and your own birth children. You often see
qualities in your children that you might otherwise never have seen.
Foster-parenting broadens your perspective on what individuals can do to help
each other. It is truly an opportunity to do something for your community and
make a difference in the life of a child.”
The Kaua’i foster parents,
though, are quick to point out that the job is not for everyone. Children taken
away from their biological parents because they have been abused or neglected
are suffering from the double trauma of also being torn from their familiar
lives and placed in homes of strangers.
And that act is played out daily
across the state, with an average of two Kaua’i children a month entering the
state system through the Department of Human Services’ social and child welfare
section.
“You have to be a different individual. It’s not for everybody,
that’s for sure,” said Henry Lange, sales manager for Rasco Supply Co., an
electrical products store in Lihu’e.
Sometimes, dealing with the children
is the easy part, said Melissa Tangalin, 32. She noted that the foster children
come with social workers, therapists, teachers, school counselors, guardians ad
litem (court-appointed guardians), and individual educational plans that the
foster parents must forge relationships with, as well.
The foster parents’
answers are simple when the question is why they became foster
parents.
“Because they needed somewhere to go,” said Melissa Tangalin. “It
was my desire.”
For Lynn Lange, it is seeing the foster children blossom.
“We decided that we really could do a service to help the less fortunate.
We realized that it isn’t the kids that are bad, or even all parents, for that
matter,” she said. “During the years that we had these kids, we watched them
grow. They began to trust, like themselves and others, do better in school,
have friends, learn values and more. Not once did we ever regret being a foster
family.”
Making a difference in a child’s life is the most gratifying part
of being a foster parent, said Henry Lange. When you see the smiles on their
faces and know that you’ve changed their lives, their lifestyles, it makes it
all worthwhile, he added.
You won’t, and can’t, change the child, said
Lange, 55, who will go on foster parenting for another 10 years if his health
permits it.
Like the Tangalins, the Langes have three foster children. But
the Langes brought one from California with them and have become legal
guardians of some of the children under their care.
According to Lange,
unconditional love is what can turn some of the children around.
“They
don’t understand why you want to put up with them,” he said, adding they must
be told, “We love you, and we’re not giving up. We’re here to support you while
you’re with us. Everyone makes mistakes. We’re just here to help them through
their turmoils, and help keep them safe.”
The Langes have never said “no”
to a foster child on Kaua’i, but once nearly had to send one back.
“It’s
tough,” Lange said. He said he and his wife always look at the child, asking
themselves if another home would help that child, or if other parents could do
better than them.
“You always gotta do what is right for you and the
child,” and that simple idea sometimes gets complicated in governmental red
tape, Lange continued. “The system is not the easiest to work with.”
He
said foster parents should be treated like customers and helped whenever they
call for help.
“When we call social workers, they should jump through
hoops, because without us (foster parents), they’d be in deep doo-doo,” Lange
said. “It’s getting better.”
The Langes say they’re not burned out and
remember what they learned during the foster parent training sessions: Take
time for yourselves.
Former foster children are always a part of the Lange
family, “whether the kids believe it or not,” he said.
“Being a foster kid
doesn’t mean you’ve been a bad kid,” said Melissa Tangalin. “It just means
you’re not in your regular family.”
She decided a while ago to do what she
does best – work with children and be a full-time mother and wife.
It takes
a lot to open up your family to foster children, said Stephen Tangalin, 33, who
works in the computer services section of Kaua’i Electric.
Initially, when
the Tangalin family size doubled from three to six children, there were
divisions along family lines. The Tangalin children, all boys, are 4, 6 and 8
years old. The three foster children, also all siblings, are 3, 4 and 6 – two
girls and a boy.
The 4-year-olds started playing together. Soon, when the
mother or father told one of the children to call their brothers and sisters,
they began naturally calling their foster brothers and sisters, as
well.
While the Tangalin brothers tend to feel each other’s pain, the
foster children are beginning to get in tune with each other’s feelings, as
well, the parents said.
The Tangalins said it is a good thing for their
biological children to live with foster children, so they see and learn about
other lives not as secure as their own.
The Tangalin brothers are
homeschooled by their mother, while the foster children attend public schools.
That affords Melissa Tangalin much quality time with her biological children,
something she feels is necessary in a foster family’s world.
Stephen
Tangalin works full-time, but his role is important evenings and weekends,
Melissa Tangalin said.
“He’s dad, and that’s what these kids need,” she
said.
Foster parenting, Lynn Lange reiterated, is not for everyone.
“If
you love children, have a heart, feel rewarded by a little thing such as a
smile, a simple ‘thank you,’ a hug, a simple touch on your hand and, with the
older children, when they ask your opinion, then you would make a great foster
parent,” she said.
“All these children need is someone to love them and
believe in them,” she said. “One phrase that is used a lot at our house, at
least with the older ones, is Be bitter or be better.'”
Staff Writer
Paul C. Curtis can be reached at [
HREF=”mailto:pcurtis@pulitzer.net”>pcurtis@pulitzer.net] or 245-3681 (ext.
224)
