Understanding family roles helps teens communicate

Editor’s note: This article is part of an ongoing series dedicated to teen runaway prevention.

Who makes up your ‘ohana?

“Family” means different things to different people — from the people you are related to, people you live with, or your closest group of friends.

No family is exactly alike. They can vary in size and in how the family members relate to one another. For example, you may live with your mom and two brothers, but you feel closest to your grandmother on Maui, who is really “mom” to you.

Now imagine you made a chart of your family. What role does each one play? Who is the main financial provider? Who is the nurturer or caretaker? Who is the mediator or peacemaker who attempts to have everyone get along? Who is the comedian — the one who uses laughter to ease the tension when there is a problem in the family?

Each year family dynamics rank high on the list of issues reported by callers to the National Runaway Switchboard. According to the Switchboard, these issues can range from problems with parents, guardians or siblings to conflicts with family rules. For youth living outside a traditional home setting, families are identified as a contributing factor to their current situations.

Communication is vital in a family but is only effective once the family dynamic and each family member’s role and responsibilities are clearly understood. Family communication is absolutely necessary when trying to solve a problem or correct a misunderstanding.

The Switchboard uses Family T.A.L.K. to identify key tools to use when engaging in effective family communication. The acronym stands for “Timing, Assertive communication, Location, and Know what to say.”

• Timing: Choose an appropriate time to talk with your family, whether that’s day, night or on the weekends.

• Assertive communication: The Switchboard recommends that you clearly tell your family member how you feel and what you want or need by being honest and direct. Depending on the person, you may need to address issues differently. Speaking to your dad about your plan move to O‘ahu after finishing high school may take a different approach then speaking to your auntie about it.

Good communication practices to use are “I” statements, taking deep breaths, maintain a reasonable tone and actively listen to your family member. An “I” statement is a way of expressing how you feel about a person’s behavior. You begin with a sentence about how you feel; therefore taking responsibility for your own feelings.

For example, “I feel hurt when you yelled at me after I told you about my plan to move to O‘ahu. What I need is for you to share your feelings and opinions with me in a calm and reasonable tone.”

At first, using “I” statements may feel awkward, so practice as much as you can. Use it with friends or family members in day-to-day situations so that when there is a serious problem, you feel more comfortable with the technique.

• Location: Choose a quiet, private and safe place to talk.

• Know what to say: Reflect on your feelings and thoughts about the issue. Think about what you want to say in advance. It may be helpful to write things down.

Sometimes, you may need some help in communicating with your family member. Talking the matter over with another person you trust and respect can help. In addition, you can contact the Switchboard at (800) RUNAWAY or call the Kaua‘i TEEN Line at (877) 521-TEEN for further assistance.

• Tram Vuong Meadows is the Therapeutic Foster Home Program Therapist for Hale ‘Opio Kaua’i. She can be reached at tmeadows@haleopio.org, or Hale ‘Opio Kaua’i Inc., 2959 Umi St., Lihu’e, HI 96766.

Questions?

A support group of adults in our Kaua‘i community have “stepped into the corner” for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families! Please e-mail your questions and concerns facing our youth and families today to Mary Navarro, executive director of Hale ‘Opio, at mnavarro@haleopio.org