‘Monsturd’

Wow. This may be one of the most difficult writing assignments

I’ve ever had. I will have to be incredibly tactful with my word

usage and imagery as I guide you through the amazing journey that

is “Monsturd.”

Wow.

This may be one of the most difficult writing assignments I’ve ever had. I will have to be incredibly tactful with my word usage and imagery as I guide you through the amazing journey that is “Monsturd.”

For those of you who may be a bit squeamish, feel free to exit this ride immediately. I won’t take offense. If you find “bathroom humor” reprehensible, go ahead and move along. Nothing to see here that won’t be permanently burnt into your cerebellum.

All the stragglers cleared out? Good.

Folks, to call “Monsturd” a B-movie would be degrading to the long lineage of B-movies over the years. It was more like a student film.

If none of said students were film majors.

But that is what makes it so remarkably endearing. I’m a frequent visitor to the website funnyordie.com, which features a number of submitted short films that are certainly hit or miss. “Monsturd” appears to be exactly like the best of these submissions, except it lasts an hour and 20 minutes.

Did it need to be an hour and 20 minutes? No.

Did I have deep belly laughs throughout the whole thing? Absolutely.

The basic premise of the movie is that a serial killer named Jack Schmidt (must remain tactful…) escapes from prison and is on the run. He avoids the authorities by running into a suburban community in Butte County (pronounced byoot… tact… tact) and crawling into the sewer.

At the same time, a local chemical company led by an evil doctor pours some of its waste into the sewer system in order to gauge its effects on the local citizens.

The result is a monsturd.

In the movie, the cops are a little more profane with their nickname for their new nemesis. It’s more along the lines of the traditional Batman or Superman moniker.

Except it’s something-else-man.

The crazy killer feeds on humans by entering their bathroom through the sewer lines and emerging through their porcelain thrones. The more he eats, the bigger he gets.

The death scenes would be just about the most vile images one can imagine, if not for how fake they looked. I’ll just say that probably half the movie’s budget went towards purchasing chocolate syrup.

There are some incredibly funny quotes throughout. Where else can you see a cute little blonde girl yell out “A giant number two killed my daddy!”

Some of the gags are old ones, but still hilarious (at least to someone like me).

I won’t give away the finale, but the authorities’ final solution involves wearing diapers as body armor and filling super soaker water guns with Pepto Bismol. It also takes place during the annual chili cookoff.

I’m telling you, there isn’t more than 60 seconds without a joke that has something to do with digestion.

The whole movie is shot on video, so it feels homemade, but the production value is actually surprisingly good. Especially considering the entire budget was apparently $3,000.

Many of the actors are over-the-top and campy, while some are exactly what you might expect from people who were apparently just asked to play a small part because they worked in the same office as the producers.

Some gags and jokes would have been something you’d have seen in “Airplane!” or “The Naked Gun,” which is a huge compliment. One scene with the police driving through town and an officer yelling information from a megaphone was legitimately top-notch.

I have a few barometers for knowing whether or not someone may be compatible for me. Small things, like if Otis Redding singing “These Arms of Mine” evokes no emotion from you, I doubt we’ll hang out any time soon.

Along those same lines, if you can sit through the entire 82 minutes of “Monsturd” and never crack a smile, well, we’re probably not on the same wavelength.

It can currently be viewed — amazingly — instantly on Netflix.

It is rated R for gross-out humor and language. With good reason.

I promise my next review will return to a more dignified tone, but this was one delve into the depths of human waste that definitely did not stink.