Last week the “Corner” stated facts about the harmful effects mentally, physically, emotionally and socially of domestic violence on children, even if they are just watching it. In a nearly 200-page report of the “Attorney General’s National Task Force on
Last week the “Corner” stated facts about the harmful effects mentally, physically, emotionally and socially of domestic violence on children, even if they are just watching it.
In a nearly 200-page report of the “Attorney General’s National Task Force on Children Exposed to Violence,” there were recommendations made on how to help our children recover from such terrible trauma.
There are evidence-based treatments that help restore lives that are damaged by such abuse and violence.
It can be downloaded at www.justice.gov/defendingchildhood/cev-rpt-full.pdf.
As much as I would love to share info, this is basically a teen column, and the article addresses evidence-based techniques and strategies that have been shown to work for agencies and providers who treat the children. So I will just list the 10 values or principles that should guide every provider of services for children and their families. Teens can use it somewhat as a list of tasks they can learn:
1. Preserve safety. (If you don’t feel safe, get help feeling safe.)
2. Promote choice. (Have a few people in the community you can trust.)
3. Build resilience. (Resilience means bouncing back. Even though it’s not your fault, learn how you can recover quickly. Ask for help in learning how to do it.)
4. Include everyone (doctors, teachers, counselors, police, courts, family services, homeless shelters, YWCA, Hale ‘Opio, churches, friends). You have help.
5. Empower with knowledge and skills.
6. Foster collaboration. (If you don’t get help from one place, go to another. It is against the law to abuse people, and most people who do need counseling. Try calling the police and a school counselor. They must report abuse cases to Child Protective Services. Get a friend to go with you if you feel safer.)
7. Share information transparently. (That means that if doctors suspect something, they might contact child protective services, who might contact the police or school counselors. They share what they know to work together to help you.)
8. Move beyond stereotypes. (Sadly, abuse occurs in all races and economic levels.)
9. Develop a support network for each client. (You deserve to feel safe. What human “angels” do you know who will help you?)
10. Promote non-violence.” (Learn conflict resolution instead of confrontation. Learn to question respectfully. Help younger kids learn to solve their problems with their brains and hearts instead of fists. You can make a huge difference in a life. If a parent is being abused, help that parent get help for all of you.) (Defending Childhood p. 42)
Visit www.familycentre.mb.ca/CHILLOUT.2.PAGES_1-77.DOC to download a pdf that addresses anger for parents and teens. Reading this, a person could really learn a lot about anger, where it comes from, what can trigger it, its normal pattern and how to harness it.
Anger in itself isn’t bad. It signals us when something happens that we don’t like. It’s how we respond to it that determines if it is helpful or harmful. Everyone gets angry. As people mature and grow up, they learn how to handle it. But some people don’t, and that is why they are required to go to anger management classes if they are hurting people with their anger.
On page 4, there is a guideline for people who need to chill out, which lists what we need to do to help manage our emotions. I hope it helps. It spells “chill out.”
Communicate … by expressing ourselves in constructive ways.
Harness … our emotions and slow down.
Isolate … the source of our anger and initiate a plan of action that reduces our anger.
Let go … of destructive behavior patterns from our past.
Learn … problem-solving techniques and use the knowledge
Organize … a plan of action before we get angry.
Understand … the consequence of our anger.
Think … before we act.
The rest of the file gives techniques on how to do that. Once you learn about anger, you become the boss of it. You can look at what sets you off, and be prepared.
You’ll learn that you have a certain amount of time while your anger increases before you lose control.
Then your mind becomes taken over by emotions and doesn’t think much any more, but only reacts. Remember, “The madder you are, the dumber you get.”
One time we had a boy in Teen Court detained for assault. He took our anger management class. He said he got to the point where he just lost it.
We helped him with his anger issues. We found out that he was being physically abused by an older brother. We got him counseling.
People care! Nearly everyone has some issue they are working on, whether they admit it or not. Counselors like to joke that if you don’t think you have an issue, ask your friends and family. It’s OK to be working on things.
It’s better for us to be working on things, than to have those things be working on us!
Here are some words of compassionate wisdom from Mother Teresa, “Let us not make a mistake — that the hunger is only for a piece of bread. The hunger of today is so much greater: for love — to be wanted, to be loved, to be cared for, to be somebody.”
• Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i convened a support group of adults in our community to ‘step into the corner’ for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Email questions or concerns facing youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org.
