Letter for Thursday, May 6, 2021

Coulter culture

Ann Coulter’s recent column deploring the conviction of Derek Chauvin made me recall one of her earliest journalistic endeavors.

“Maycomb, Alabama. Northern newspapers, skewed by communist editors, have attacked our local jury’s conviction of Tom Robinson of the heinous and unprovoked rape of Mayella Ewell, a Southern Belle. Yankee yellow press omits, of course, that the boy attempted a violent escape soon after the conviction, resulting in one death.

“The northern scandal sheets falsely portray our considered and inevitable verdict as a product of racism. The truth is the jury was never even informed of Tom Robinson’s race, which is of no concern to me or anyone else here. The only testimony was about the neighborhood Tom lived in, so the jury could conclude the boy didn’t know his place. There are no chiffarobes in his neighborhood, to be sure, which seals his guilt.

“The North’s vile goal is to force us Dixies to become as boorish, rude and homogenized as their ungodly fate has made them, rather than to allow us to continue our tradition of courtesy, politeness, kindness, and respect for American Values. It was called the ‘Civil War’ for a reason, and it’s a crying shame the cultured side lost.

“As to agitator attorney Atticus’ delusional attempt to cast doubt on the Ewells’ testimony by claiming that Tom’s useless left arm made it impossible for that boy to have held Mayella as they insisted: this was only playing to the Northern press. We here all knew about Tom’s arm, so he was telling the jury nothing new. It’s common knowledge the boy mangled his arm at age 12 to avoid working in the fields any longer; character shows throughout life.

“We regret that Atticus lost his bearings after his dear wife passed; how far off he’s gone is evidenced by his daughter Scout’s being a tomboy, her warbling about birds, and her hanging out with that weird critter Boo. Poor patriot Bob Ewell committed suicide in protest against all this Soviet excretion poisoning our pure Southern waters.

“You northern rags can keep to yourselves all that sanctimonious hypocritical sermonizing about Maycomb’s supposed racism. I hope y’all will remember that southerners don’t need you around, anyhow.”

9-1/2 minutes. Never mentioned in Coulter’s recent column. 9-1/2 minutes.

Jed Somit, Kapa‘a