The bully effect

KAPAA — Kairey Banasihan Bermoy remembers the sting of being called, “Shark bait,” when she was in middle school because of her crooked front teeth.

“I would cry and then I would tell my Dad and he would say to ignore the boy and walk away,” Bermoy said. “It was hard cause I was hurt. It got better when the boy saw I didn’t care. I eventually got over it cause I knew I was better than that.”

But then another bully came along.

“It was a former best friend,” Bermoy recalled. “She was calling me names in text messages in ninth grade. I didn’t tell anybody because everybody was turning on me. I felt really hurt. I was depressed.”

But she refused to let others push her around. Today, the Kapaa High School junior takes a strong stand against bullying and is a member of a school organization that’s geared to do just that: the Peer Mediation Club.

“I’ve always had this thing about people disrespecting other people,” Bermoy said.

But bullying still goes on across the country and on Kauai, too. And its impact can last lifetimes.

Kauai schools had 52 reported cases of what are referred to as Chapter 19 offenses, or bullying, during the 2013-14 school year. Those offenses are defined as, “Any written, verbal, graphic or physical act that a student or group of students exhibits toward other particular students and the behavior causes mental or physical harm to the other students; and it is sufficiently severe, persistent or pervasive that it creates an intimidating, threatening, or abusive educational environment for other students.”

One in three U.S. students say they have been bullied at school, according to 2014 U.S. Department of Health and Human Services data.

The breakdown, according to a study cited by the federal agency, goes as follows: 29 percent of middle school students experienced bullying in the classroom; 29 percent experienced it in hallways or locker rooms; 23 percent were bullied in the cafeteria; 19 percent were bullied during gym class; and 12 percent in the bathroom.

Statistics cited in Peer Medication Program materials show that nearly 25 percent of Hawaii ninth graders have been bullied. Statistics nationwide reveal that 83 percent of girls and 79 percent of boys report being bullied in school or online.

Myah Post, Kapaa High School senior and president of the Peer Mediation Club, tells peers who have been bullied, “No matter what, it will get better, everything heals with time.”

Post said mediators have tried to intervene in some bullying situations without success. But she and the club of 31 students have seen the positive impact their presence and presentations on campus have made.

They work with the guidance of their school counselor Keith Kitamura, who mentors and watches the club members change the lives of their peers.

“We present with our whole heart to do whatever we can to make a difference,” Post said.

Bullying hurts

Phyllis Kunimura, a longtime Kauai educator and owner of a Kapaa preschool, developed a practical solution with a program she uses and has shared with public schools. It combines conflict resolution with empathy when it comes to resolving acts of bullying. She recounted heartbreaking stories of Kauai youth.

“There was a seventh grade girl who was bullied after her ex-boyfriend committed suicide,” Kunimura said. “She attempted to end her life, too.”

Kunimura said she keeps a copy of a letter from a parent describing another incident where a kindergarten girl was repeatedly approached by a boy who threatened to hang himself, and in a separate incident, slit his wrists, if she wouldn’t be his girlfriend.

“It starts when they are in preschool,” Kunimura said.

For Kapaa High School sophomore Eryn Yamashiro, also a peer mediation club member, bullying continues to be an emotional drain. It started in middle school with a girl teasing her – both in person and in text messages.

“She picks random stuff to tease me about,” Yamashiro said. “She would see me walking and yell really mean words at me. My friends would tell me to ignore her, and she would stop for a while and then start again. She still does it.”

About 160,000 students nationwide reportedly skip school every day because they are bullied — one in 10 teens eventually drop out of school due to repeated bullying.

Terra Kimura, a Kapaa High School graduate who is now 22 years old, said was bullied as a child and doesn’t believe a lot has changed since then. She knows firsthand since the child of her friend was bullied in school.

“It makes me really angry because I know how they feel,” Kimura said. “One boy sat in back of me on the bus and spit in my hair. It was disgusting. I had a friend who would yell at him and try to get him to stop. As a 12 year old, I didn’t want to be a tattletale. I was afraid of retaliation. I never stood up for myself. And it took me a while, but I know now, I’m more assertive.”

Prevent bullying

Nancy Borilez, parent community networking center facilitator at Kapaa High School, believes zero tolerance to any form of bullying is the key to a safe environment.

She was impressed by another positive initiative at Kapaa High School: the Peer Education Program.

“The presenters in this classroom were former bullies – well known for their negative activity,” Borilez said. “They are now helping others to not make the same mistakes.”

On Kauai’s Westside, a new program called TRIBES has been introduced to teachers and students this school year.

Waimea Canyon Middle School principal Melissa Speetjeans, who is a TRIBES-trained educator, said bullying can be stopped through four key values: mutual respect, attentive listening, appreciation/no put downs, and the right to pass.

“Bullying is a triangle that is comprised of the bully, the victim, and the bystander,” she said. “The effects of each group are co-dependent upon the other group. There is no room for bullying, and as such, the need of each role member in the triangle is different.”

Kauai Complex Area Superintendent Bill Arakaki said he feels the recent anti-bullying campaign strategy launched earlier this month, “Mauka to Makai, Bully Free Kauai,” will make a difference.

“Our schools are focused on bringing awareness about bullying to all students, teachers, administrators, parents, families and community partners,” Arakaki said.

Kapaa High School Principal Daniel Hamada said he believes the school has less bullying on campus due to students having those skills and the confidence to work things out.

“Over the past few years, you can definitely see more students really stepping up in supporting their peers to prevent bullying type of behaviors,” Hamada said.

The effects of bullying

Kilauea School counselor Juday Leong crosses paths, in some way or another, with students pushing, shoving or fighting – downright hurtful bullying.

With her 22 years of experience, Leong focuses on teaching kindness and care for one another.

“They don’t know how to play,” Leong said.

She recently heard from two parents in separate phone calls about their children being picked on.

Her solution: “Just keep working on it.”

The influx in the student population mixed with a variance in levels of maturity creates ongoing challenges.

“A lot of the bullies are the ones who are popular,” Leong said. “They can cause physical and psychological damage.”

She recalled a recent bullying incident where two students were playing a punching game in the school cafeteria. One said he “accidentally” punched the other in the face.

If bystanders don’t step up and defend the person being bullied, the cycle of bullying can impact all parties.

Leong uses Kinimura’s six-step resolution and empathy program and another one she developed with “Junior Mediators,” students trained to intervene and mediate unfriendly behavior.

The child in the cafeteria incident was asked to take the resolution process one step beyond an apology for what he had done.

“He was to ask the child, ‘How can I make you feel better,’” Leong said.

The Junior Mediators and resolution and empathy programs apparently work for one logical reason.

“The younger children look up to the older ones,” Leong said.

But habits are rooted in a child’s home life, she added.

“You have parents that have difficulty with problem solving themselves,” Leong said. “They don’t make the ideal role models for the children, if they can’t resolve things peacefully in front of their child.”

Aloha Peace Project

Laura Taylor developed the Aloha Peace Project 15 years ago.

“I wanted to provide all the Kauai children with a character education program to help them feel capable and self-confident,” Taylor said. “At the time, we knew that life skills were being lost with parents lives being so busy, and many of them working more than one job.”

Kapaa elementary introduced her program, complete with puppets and videos in 2000. Other Kauai public and private schools soon followed suit. The reports of bullying have since decreased.

Taylor and her team of volunteers are replicating supplies for the program to deliver to any school wanting to experience the benefits of the, Aloha Peace Project.

“It’s all interactive and offered free to the schools,” Taylor said.

The six-week program comes complete with lesson plans and shows the students how to be a good friend and how to deal with conflict, including 10 things to do when they are angry. It teaches bystanders what to do when they witness bullying.

Taylor said it’s all about developing a caring majority. Before and after surveys with students who’ve been exposed to her curriculum have indicated, “I never knew what I was doing was bullying and I will never do that again.”

Other students wrote, “We won’t leave people out and we will try to include others.”

Post said the Peer Mediation club will be there when called upon.

“We are like a family in the club,” she said. “People at the school know they can trust us and come to us any time if they are being bullied or want to talk. The door is always open.”