P eople who work with people research how they express their love to others. They watch them in their natural environments, and in control rooms. Dr. Gary Chapman is a nationally and internationally recognized as a trusted intellectual biblical teacher
P
eople who work with people research how they express their love to others. They watch them in their natural environments, and in control rooms. Dr. Gary Chapman is a nationally and internationally recognized as a trusted intellectual biblical teacher and relationship expert. He helps people who have difficulty with their relationships. Sometimes people have a hard time saying what they want to say, and that includes expressing love.
In his interactions with couples and families, he discovered that there are five major ways that people give and receive love. He wrote about it in his book, “The 5 Love Languages.”
We might think that everyone wants to be loved in the same way … the ways that we like to receive it, but in his more than 30 years of marriage counseling, he discovered that there are basically five ways that people usually receive love. It’s not that we receive love in only one way, but that there is a way that we prefer. There are hundreds of websites that suggest how we can show love. All of the ways of showing love are significant. Love is the one thing that humans don’t do well without. Little babies can actually get sick if they don’t get enough love and attention when they are young. Older people get depressed if they feel that no one cares about them any more, and we in the middle, with the most strength wisdom and love, get the opportunity to bring a lot of joy to these people.
So watch your sweetie and observe how you’ve seen him or her receive it from family or friends. Here are the five ways that Dr. Chapman discovered:
Gifts — People appreciate that you cared for them by selecting that perfect gift, something tangible that demonstrates that the giver knows them well enough to go out of their way and get them something special that they would appreciate. And here’s a hint. It should be personal, a gift for them, not something that they are expected to share with you! Notice what colors he or she wears before you buy clothing or accessories for them. What’s cool about a gift is that the person will think of you every time they use or see it.
Quality time — Some people just want your undivided attention, without any interruptions or distractions. So cellphones off! This says, “I want to be with you more than anything else in the world.” Taking time to really be close to a person is a gift to you both and a treasure to carry you over the bumpy times. Being in safe places in nature is usually relaxing, and hopefully you’ll be able to have a place without too many others wanting to appreciate that place too.
Affection — Some people like to be physically touched, and cuddled. They would like to hold hands but first might give you a pat on the back or arm. They’ll rumple your hair and give hugs. Touching is reassuring to them that they are loved. These are the people you show love to with a big hug and kiss. But please be aware that other people are uncomfortable by public shows of affection and there are rules in some schools against showing affection on school grounds.
Affirmations of love — Poets wanted here! These people want to hear from you that you love them. And they’ll want to hear it more than once. They’ll also want to know in what way you love them. One of the wonderful blessings of living in Hawaii is the incredible Hawaiian music that is frequently about the love that the composer has for people, places, God and things. You might want to listen to some of it to get some ideas of what to say. I also Googled Love Poetry Images, and saw a gazillion poems printed on beautiful pictures.
Acts of service — Some folks like it when you do things for them. I remember a time when my mom decided I should dust and vacuum before I went out. My sweetie arrived before I finished. He said, “I’ll vacuum. You dust.” Wow! I really felt loved. I appreciated it so much. When you do something, just for one person, it says, “I care enough about you to give up some of my time to take care of you, or do something for you.” I remember finding and sewing a button on a shirt for a special friend. Pack a picnic lunch for the two of you. Oh my, there are so many things that you can do to show you care.
An interesting fact that Dr. Chapman discovered was that the couples that he counseled often had different preferred styles of receiving love. One person might like to show affection, but the other didn’t. Gifts were what made him/her feel important and loved.
Now you can go to the over 1 billion websites that come up when you Google “Ways to show love,” for ideas, or just be still and ask your heart. If you’re still testing the waters about how much your sweetie likes you, you might start with doing a service. Carry something, or offer to help wash the bike or car. If that’s accepted, another time you might try having a little quality time. Start with having a snack at a public restaurant and then maybe taking a walk on the beach.
Maybe you’ve seen that your sweetie likes to give gifts. Try reciprocating. It doesn’t have to be expensive. I remember getting a painted shell one time that meant a lot to me. My friend found the shell, decided what to paint, got the paints, and did it. That person was thinking of me, and I never thought he was cheap. Homemade art is a great gift.
Hopefully, you‘ve had a little time to get to know each other. It’s time for holding hands and exchanging hugs. Affection is sweet time. Just remember not to let things get too out of hand. Hormones can be very LOUD!
When you say, “I love you,” it’s serious. It’s not something to be said lightly. Do you care for each other? Are you really listening to each other and responding to each other? Do you appreciate each other? Do you feel peaceful and that you can trust this person? If so, it may be time to say it. I really hope that your life is filled with it wherever you go.
• Hale `Opio Kaua’i convened a support group of adults in our Kauai community to “step into the corner” for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Please email your questions or concerns facing our youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org
