Part of total wellness is developing healthy social interactions and a healthful psychological outlook.
It is difficult to be physically healthy if you have poor interpersonal relationships or a distressed psyche. Being able to understand ways of dealing with conflict can go a long way towards achieving pono.
Psychotherapist Jack Lafleur leads workshops that help men achieve self-awareness and women understand that when men withdraw from certain situations, it is not because they don’t care, but that they very much care about their families, their work and their relationships. They just don’t want to be in conflict or say or do something that they will regret later.
Lafleur believes that men are governed by instinct and when they feel threatened they revert to their “fight or flight” instinct as that has served them well for millennia. What modern day men and women need to do is to overcome their hardwired instincts and think things through rather than just reacting. How we react is the important thing in any conflict.
Discussing our differences and our feelings typically bring us together, whereas responding with “fight or flight” causes more hurt, misunderstanding and destroys relationships. The four typical reactions to conflict in men and women are; aggressiveness, such as shouting or physical violence; passiveness, otherwise known as stonewalling or the “deep freeze,” passive-aggressiveness, as in talking behind someone’s back; and assertiveness, which is stating one’s thoughts and feelings in a direct way and setting boundaries.
Assertiveness has the best chance of resolving conflicts successfully, but it takes training, time and patience.
Men’s genetic encoding produced over thousands of years drives them to react quickly to any threatening situation and to stay alert longer than women typically do. This is important when you live in a cave or the jungle, but in society it can be a hindrance to having a happy, healthy life.
And because men may lack the communication skills that women seem to be better at, they may withdraw rather than trying to manage their emotions and conflict by communicating them.
Cognitive behavioral therapy is a successful technique for resolving anxiety, by helping people get thoughtful about the source of their conflicts. A person in conflict is encouraged to identify the trouble spots and think about the emotions that are attached to these situations, then think about the negative or inaccurate thinking that they may have about the situation and work to correct the faulty thinking patterns.
If you have ever heard someone say that “you are not listening to them,” maybe you might think that there might be an element of truth there.
Do you just listen long enough to form an offensive and get your points across or do you really try to grasp the other person’s perspective?
Being mindful in your everyday life of course includes exercising strategically, eating healthily, sleeping well and relaxing. However, it also includes forming healthy, lasting social relationships with others.
Extend your healthy mindfulness to include really listening to others and looking at situations from their perspectives as well as your own. It leads to pono.
• Jane Riley, M.S., B.A., C.P.T., Certified Nutritional Adviser, can be reached at janerileyfitness@gmail.com, 212-1451 or www.janerileyfitness.com.
