About half of all marriages end in divorce. That’s what many statistics I researched claimed. Children can be caught in the middle and have many issues that come up. On Kauai, there is a mandatory program for parents who are divorcing, if they’re not married, or separating. It’s called “Kids First.”
Kids First meets on the second Wednesday of the month from 5-7 p.m. Family Court Judge Edmond Acoba’s welcomes the parents and their children, outlines the program established on Kauai since 1998, introduces the speakers. Then he plays a short movie called “The Purple Family” that follows a Hawaiian family as the parents divorce and one goes blue, and one goes red. It teaches that children should never get caught up in the middle of their parents’ problems and parents should never pit a child against the other parent. It teaches that with respect and conversations that include listening to every family member’s concerns, the family can continue to function as a peaceful unit even with differences in living arrangements.
After that, the moms all meet with Dr. Diane Girard, Ph.D. and the dads meet with Mr. Lynn Pizzitola. The parents have a chance to voice some concerns and are given helpful suggestions. I represent Kauai Economic Opportunity’s mediation program, which introduces them to the concept of using mediation as a helpful tool to get the collective needs met.
The children are divided into younger and older children and meet with counselors to help them with their issues. On Jan. 8, they happened to be Ms Gloria Acain and Ms Martha Jay. I met with them and asked them “What are some major issues that come up for children of separating parents, and what can the children do about them?”
They stated that kids are frightened about many things. Will they be abandoned by one or both parents? Will they lose their home? Where will they live? This occurs when they hear parents fighting about financial issues. They may also fear for their own or a parent’s physical safety. Will the rest of the family split up? Will they still be able to see both sides of the family that they love?
Children become angry. We get angry when we don’t get what we want and most kids don’t want their parents to break up. The kids don’t know who they can turn to for their problems. They often don’t join up for sports even though they want to because there is no one to take them to practices or games. They may not sign up for a yearbook because there just isn’t any money for extras. Older children often have to take on more responsibility for maintaining the family, such as babysitting, cooking, and doing other household chores while their friends are “cruzin.”
They may become depressed and overwhelmed. Even into their late teens kids are more feeling natured, and process through these feelings. They can’t really understand all that is going on, and many blame themselves for their parents’ divorce. Their family has radically changed, and they feel powerless to do anything about it. Often one parent seems to disappear, or only rarely contacts the child by phone. Kids sometimes hope that the Kids First program will help bring that parent back into their lives again.
Kids often state that they can’t be honest about the divorce or the other parent when one is angry at the other. If one parent rants about another, the children feel that they have to keep their loving feelings about that other parent quiet, or it will add to the anger of the ranting parent, and then that parent won’t be there for them either emotionally or physically.
So the counselors at Kids First help kids understand that their feelings are normal and that it’s healthy to say when something hurts. They brainstorm and empower them to be able to say in their own way, “I love my parent and when you talk stink about them it hurts me.”
The counselors teach that parents also have mixed up feelings, and they are learning how to control their anger, and make positive solutions in a respectful way. They may feel overwhelmed with all that they have to do.
Counselors ask them to find someone that they can trust and talk to about these problems.
Then the children write an anonymous letter to their parents. The counselors keep it, and they are selected and read to future parents by Dr. Girard while the children eat their sandwiches. Something they might write is, “I really hope I’ll see more of you. The worst thing is that it has torn our family apart, and I really miss you dad. I hope this means I’ll be able to see you in the future.”
The children also have a “mock trial,” so that they can understand what happens if Mom and Dad have to go to court. However, they may never have to go if they can settle all of their issues out of court agreeably.
If children are still hurting, most insurance companies cover therapy in their plans, including Quest. So parents can look up “Counselors-Marriage and Family” in the Yellow Pages to get a selection. This process has to be done by an adult, but any child in public school can go to a school counselor for support. If there seem to be many, a counselor may be able to start a children of divorce support group.
You probably know some friends with parents that have split. Ask them what worked for them and what didn’t. You can start your own support group with a couple of other friends. There were over 100,000,000 hits to “divorced kids helping divorced kids.” Many of them were for parents to help their children, but the information was good.
You might try going to a minister, or trusted family member. Just don’t bottle up your feelings. It’s not your fault. Some people grow apart. Your parents really love you even if their feelings are all mixed up. They need your love, just like you need theirs. The good news is that you can give and give and give love and never run out of it! Love yourself. We all have enough. Maybe the split will help everyone find this out.
Hale Opio Kauai convened a support group of adults in our Kauai community to “step into the corner” for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Please email your questions or concerns facing our youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org
