Being friendly is the character trait targeted today, as people islandwide celebrate a week of nonviolence in the home. “Friendly” is defined as kind, pleasant, helpful, supportive and not hostile. True friends “have your back.” How do we learn friendliness?
Being friendly is the character trait targeted today, as people islandwide celebrate a week of nonviolence in the home. “Friendly” is defined as kind, pleasant, helpful, supportive and not hostile. True friends “have your back.”
How do we learn friendliness? If we are lucky, it is modeled in our homes, schools, churches, sport teams, community organizations and by other friends. But some of us aren’t lucky. And kids certainly don’t learn it from watching TV or going to the movies. Have you noticed how much more violence is being portrayed now, or how many of the shows are competition shows, such as “American Idol” or “Survivor”? Even some of the “feel good family shows” have a lot of personal insults. Perhaps that’s why “friendly” is a school character trait. Teachers begin teaching it in the primary grades, but true friendships generally don’t occur until about the ages of 7 and 9. God bless our teachers!
One of the keys to being friendly is kindness, which includes being considerate and not hurting others. When we’re considerate, we care how other people feel. We think about how what we might do or say will affect them before we do or say it. We imagine how we would feel if someone did it to us. This is empathy, and is a cornerstone of being friendly and successful. It doesn’t mean that we don’t get our needs met because we want to be nice, however. We also have to be good friends to ourselves.
Empathy is a part of emotional intelligence, a term championed by Dr. Daniel Goldman. Here are a few facts about emotional intelligence that explain why it is a little bit difficult to teach it in the schools.
• “There is a genetic (hereditary) component to EI, and nurture (teaching it) plays a role as well.
• EI increases with age, i.e. maturity.
• EI is born largely in the neurotransmitters of the brain’s limbic system, which governs feelings, impulses and drives.
• The limbic system learns best through motivation, extended practice and feed-back.” It takes time and practice. People learn through natural consequences of the kindness and unkindness that they put out into the world. (unpan1.un.org/intradoc/groups/public/…/UNPAN010496.pdf)
Parents and teachers praise us when we do friendly, caring things, and put us in time-outs or give us other consequences when we do selfish, uncaring things that hurt others. Some teachers make up small certificates that say something like, “I saw you being kind,” and then can fill in the date and action, so that the students can get the feedback they need to help build this friendliness into the limbic system.
One unfriendly activity is bullying. If a bully doesn’t get help and change his/her ways, they may be headed for criminal activity.
“Dr. Dan Olweus, an international leader in the study of bullying and victimization, found that 60 percent of Norwegian boys characterized as bullies in sixth through ninth grades had been convicted of at least one crime by the age of 24, compared to 23 percent of boys not characterized as bullies.” (www.ksre.ksu.edu/library/famlf2/mf2412.pdf) Jail is a big time out!
Bullying has been nationally recognized as a problem with serious consequences, and there are many problems it causes down the line. Some are the price of incarceration or adult rehabilitation, or medical expenses incurred from violent acts. We need to recognize bullies, stop and help them change their ways before the pattern becomes too ingrained in them to change.
There’s a YouTube video (We are all Daniel Cui) of how friends intervened in a bullying case. It is a very touching story. A young freshman soccer goalie, Daniel, was playing on his school’s varsity team, but missed a crucial goal. After the game a student came up to him and wanted some pictures of him for “a great photo album of him.” But when it went up it said, “Worst Goalie Ever.” Daniel felt terrible inner tension, and didn’t want to go to school. Three teammates realized that they had to do something, and found a shot of him making a terrific save, and made it their profile pictures. It exploded, and the whole team made it their pictures, then the girls’ soccer team did it, and then the whole school. The whole school stood up for this one kid who needed it!
Daniel went to school the next day feeling some self-confidence again. The following season he became a great goalie. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpOvYWd4KW4)
This is a great example of a caring majority standing up against bullying. Creating a caring majority has been proven to be the best way to stop violence in a group or community. If the friendly, caring majority acts out against bullying, and speaks to bullies, the bullying lessens. (“Bully-Proofing Your School, A Comprehensive Approach for Middle Schools;” Bonds and Stoker; Sopris West; Longmont, CO, 2000)
Sadly, another case of teen suicide occurred late last month, which was attributed to bullying, this time on the Eastside. I wonder what the bullies are feeling now. It’s such a loss of childhood on both sides.
Children need to see friendliness consistently modeled. We have the very difficult job of modeling it all the time, even when we really think that we’re right, and the other person is being terribly stubborn about something. It’s hard to demonstrate caring to those who are uncaring back, but here’s something to consider. In our hearts, unless we’ve been sadly damaged by terrible parenting or bullying, we know right from wrong. If we act kindly, anyone who is around and watching knows we’re right, even if the other person gets his/her way.
• Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i convened a support group of adults in our community to ‘step into the corner’ for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Email questions or concerns facing youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org.
