Before we were born, our parents had to wait nine months before they got to meet us. It was nine months of wondering if our minds and bodies would be all right as we developed where they couldn’t really see;
Before we were born, our parents had to wait nine months before they got to meet us. It was nine months of wondering if our minds and bodies would be all right as we developed where they couldn’t really see; nine months of wondering what kind of people we would grow up to be, or how they could pay for all the things they wanted us to have so we could be the people we wanted to be; nine months of loving someone who couldn’t hug back; and nine months of making space in their homes and hearts for a new person who would seem to only think of itself for a few years.
Once we’re born, we have to become patient as our minds develop and our bodies learn to express what our minds want. Have you observed how many times a toddler falls down before he really gets the steady step, or repeats sounds regularly until he can make the right one? And then we have to wait for people to finish their conversations so that they will listen to us!
We have to wait a lot in this world. Wait for the computer to boot up, wait in traffic, wait for a phone call, wait for a grade, wait to hear back from a job application, wait to play in the game, wait for dinner, wait for a TV show, wait for someone, wait for a train or plane, etc. Every day gives us opportunities to have or lose patience. But the good news is that patience can be learned. We’re not born with it. We have to learn it. So let’s look at what we have to learn.
Dr. Jane Bolton, Psy. D, M.F. T, C.C. wrote an article in “Psychology Today,” (www.psychologytoday.com/blog/your-zesty-self/201109/four-steps-developing-patience) in which she refers to impatience as “The Happiness Killer.” Think about it: How do we feel when we are waiting? Babies can even have tantrums. Dr. Bolton says that there are four steps to working with impatience:
1. Understand the addictive nature of anger, irritation and outrage. We need to recognize it to have power over it, rather than it having power over us. Impatience is a form of anger, and comes from our reptilian brain that protects our physical and emotional survival.
2. Upgrade our attitude toward discomfort and pain. What really is the discomfort we are feeling, and can we live with it? We can tolerate a lot of discomfort if we want to. Have you been to a gym lately? People are waiting to have the bodies they want, and put themselves in a lot of discomfort. People who want to quit smoking have an uncomfortable time for awhile, but it’s something they can live with to get the goal they really want. She says, “Pain pushes us to find solutions.” Think creatively. Use your brain in helping to make things better rather than ranting on how life is terrible.
3. Pay attention when the irritation/pain starts, and take care of yourself. What are some of your thoughts about this? What is really bothering you? You might be surprised at what you discover. If you find that you have a habit of thinking something negative about yourself or others, you might want to look at why, and begin to change it.
4. Self talk. There it is again. I did a whole article about that some months back. Sometimes when we are waiting we begin to create a story about what’s going on. If I don’t hear back from a job application, I didn’t get the job. If my sweetie doesn’t call me back right away, he/she is with another person, etc. We respond to our thoughts as if we think they are true, even getting very angry about something we don’t even know, but they are only our thoughts. This is something very important to learn. Stay with the truth. Think the best of others, and hope that they think the best of you. The world will feel like a much nicer place for anyone who begins to think this way.
Here’s another helpful website, “Patience and tips on how to develop it” (www.essentiallifeskills.net/patience.html). Patience is defined as “the ability to tolerate waiting, delay or frustration without becoming agitated or upset.” They list the benefits of developing patients as:
1. Reduces stress levels, which makes you a happier, healthier person.
2. Results in better decision–making (using the frontal lobes, rather than the reptilian brain).
3. Helps develop understanding, empathy and compassion. You can better understand how others feel when you have taken the time to process how you feel when things take forever. We can understand that everyone has “thoughts” that they sometimes think are true, but aren’t necessarily.
4. Helps you understand and appreciate the process of growth. Things just take time to develop, whether it is a tree growing, you growing, a house being built, or learning a new skill.
The article ends with this, “Patience is definitely a valuable character trait to develop. It may appear to be passive, however it is an active, purposeful and necessary form of self-discipline.” It’s a part of growing up, and the sooner we learn to be patient, the happier we’ll be.
So what can we do when we are feeling impatient? Pinpoint exactly what’s bugging you, and act on that. This may take awhile. I have a dear kupuna friend who has destroyed two cell phones out of anger that they didn’t work right. An alternative would have been to take them to the dealership and get help.
Distract yourself. My grandmother used to say, “A watched (cooking) pot never boils.” If my mind is only on what I’m waiting for, the wait can be very, very long. But if I get busy and do something else for awhile, the time goes faster. You might listen to some good music or dance. Choose music that makes you feel happy.
Count to 10 or 100 if you need to before you flip someone off in traffic. They may be waiting too, and your little gesture might just be the one to tip them over the edge.
Practice loving yourself and others. It’s easy to love others when everything goes well, but harder to do it when it doesn’t. A perfect time to hone your loving skills.
Think about how good it will feel when you get the goal you’re waiting for. And the great goal is that soon you will know how to become more patient.
• Hale ‘Opio Kaua‘i convened a support group of adults in our community to ‘step into the corner’ for our teens, to answer questions and give support to youth and their families on a wide variety of issues. Email questions or concerns facing youth and families today to Annaleah Atkinson at aatkinson@haleopio.org.
