It’s summer vacation, and we all want to have fun in the sun and sea, and live peacefully. This column may help with that. A student asked “The Corner” what to do when he tried asking his father respectfully for
It’s summer vacation, and we all want to have fun in the sun and sea, and live peacefully. This column may help with that.
A student asked “The Corner” what to do when he tried asking his father respectfully for something, and the father just shouted “No!” They ended up getting into an argument, and both were unhappy.
If you approach an argument from a win-lose situation, the loser is going to feel bad, and a part of him or her is going to want to find a way to win something back. Hawai‘i, and most if not all states in the U.S., have court mediators that help individuals come to agreements based on win-win situations. Statistics prove that people are most likely to honor their agreements if they’ve helped make them.
Most of us don’t have access to trained mediators, so we each need to learn for ourselves how to negotiate with each other to see that everyone gets his or her needs met. I remember one time having difficulty with a hotel in Waikiki, and I said to the receptionist, “How can we make this a win-win?” and she just stared at me. They had given me a poorer room at a deluxe price, and I was there to celebrate my daughter’s coming of age. I noticed that the first night we were there they gave us complimentary buffet tickets, and the buffet was fabulous. So I suggested that we keep the room, and they continue to give us breakfast buffet tickets. And that’s what happened. We were out most of the time anyway. We couldn’t believe it when we came back and there was a box of chocolate covered macadamia nuts waiting for us for being “understanding.” Try saying “Hey, how can we make this a win-win, and see what happens.”
It is unfortunate when one person just says “No!” and won’t listen. But many people were also told “No!” when they were kids. Below are some basic negotiation skills that you can cut out, and give to your parents, siblings, teachers, friends, or anyone that you need to work things out with. It takes practice, just like writing. It was hard when you learned how to write your name for the first time. Now you can do it with your eyes closed. I think you’ll like the results. It just may be that the person you’ve been arguing with also wants a better way. If you don’t like these rules, exactly, come up with your own.
Basic negotiation:
1. Ask for what you want in a clear and simple way.
2. If the person doesn’t say yes, respectfully ask “May I ask why?” and get an answer.
3. Repeat the reason the other person gives you to make sure you heard it correctly.
4. Compromise – Brainstorm ways to solve problems so that everyone gets his or her needs met. For example: You ask for the car, and dad says no. When you ask why, it’s because you brought the car home dirty and low on gas. So you say that this time you’ll bring the car back at the same level of gas, and clean.
If there’s no trust:
1. Pay your debts — do what you said you were going to do before to regain their trust.
2. Give references — other people that would back you up and speak in your behalf.
3. Use collateral — something you value that you give to someone that they’d keep if you don’t follow through with your promise. “Here’s my ‘ukulele. If I don’t pay you back for the concert, you can keep it.”
If the person is busy and angry (it might not be the best time to have a conversation):
1. Offer to help them with what they are busy with. That worked for my kids.
2. Wait for a better time.
3. Ask to talk later.
4. Ask someone else for help to get your needs met.
If someone gives you an answer that is insufficient or vague:
1.Get more information until you are clear about what the person wants.
2. Get more information until you know what is expected of you.
3. You may write a copy of the plan for each person.
Some things are just non-negotiable, ke getting a ticket for driving under the influence, or letting a friend use your brother’s iPad without permission.
Hopefully this will help when there are difficult conversations and people aren’t seeing eye to eye. Try doing it with your friends first, and then see what happensb … keep cool.
∫ The ‘In Your Corner’ team comprises the leadership of the island’s government, court, police, education, family and social services sectors. Contact Annaleah Atkinson with questions or comments at aatkinson@haleopio.org.
