DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a 30-year-old African-American woman who has never dated outside my race. Recently, I met a nice Indian man at a friend’s wedding. While we were talking at the reception, we realized we had many common interests. He
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a 30-year-old African-American woman who has never dated outside my race. Recently, I met a nice Indian man at a friend’s wedding. While we were talking at the reception, we realized we had many common interests. He asked me out on a date, but I told him I already had plans. I think he’s nice and easy on the eye, but I can’t seem to get over my hang-up of dating outside my race. What can I do to get over this hidden fear of mine?
— Wanda, Brooklyn, N.Y.
Dear Wanda: Accept his invitation. Step one to letting go of this self-imposed barrier is to go with your heart. You like this man enough to get to know him. Give yourself a chance to learn more about him as you let him learn about you.
Go without expectations. Remember that you initially liked him and that the feeling was mutual. As you listen to him tell his life story, notice any similarities. Listen to learn if there are intersections in thought and experience that allow you to feel comfortable in his company. If the race issue keeps nagging at you, tell him. You might be surprised to learn that he or his family has similar views. Many people, even in 2010, still primarily date people of their same race and religious background. Even today when interracial dating and marriage are more widely accepted than ever before, it is still not commonplace. So talk about your feelings and concerns. You may find a connection even in that conversation.
Decide that you may make a new friend. And if it’s right for you both, you might get even more.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I attended a party the other day, and when I went to shake a woman’s hand, she used her left hand. She was an elderly woman, though she looked healthy enough. I wasn’t quite sure what to do because my parents always taught me to shake with my right hand to someone’s right hand and to make eye contact. So I reached for her right hand, and it got messy. She got flustered, and our greeting became awkward. What should I have done
— Emma, Grand Rapids, Mich.
Dear Emma: You must always pay attention to the moment. In this case, the woman provided cues as to what to do next, but you ignored her. If she reached out with her left hand, that’s obviously the one she uses to shake with. That would be true, by the way, even if the person were younger. The only time I would suggest making a correction is when you’re trying to teach a child, who is learning. Otherwise, even if the person unwittingly uses the wrong hand, it is not your place to make a correction. You should have graciously accepted her left hand, and greeted her with warmth and humility. Should you see her again, don’t revisit this faux pas — just be warm and kind, and shake gently with the hand she offers.
• Lifestylist and author Harriette Cole is president and creative director of Harriette Cole Media. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o United Feature Syndicate, 200 Madison Ave., New York, NY 10016.
