‘Demon Sword’

With all the hype surrounding “Prince of Persia,” I decided to go back and watch the movie that inspired the current blockbuster — the 1991 classic “Wizards of the Demon Sword.”

Alright, that’s not exactly true. “Wizards” did not inspire “Prince.”

It inspired laughter. It inspired ridicule. It probably inspired anyone with a working camcorder and a leather vest to make their own prehistoric-sorcerer flick.

I went back to the B-movies this week and “Wizards” certainly qualifies. I wasn’t totally sure what to expect from this Fred Olen Ray production, but thankfully within the first five minutes or so, I understood that this would be a tongue-in-cheek experience.

The movie revolves around the heroic Thane, who must outwit an evil sorcerer with the help of his rescued princess, whom he saves in the early going.

Thane is a truly accomplished swordsman, or so we are told. His actual skill seems to be more on par with any fairly-athletic guy who played with the prop sword for an hour or so prior to filming. He’s an artist the same way a Subway employee may be considered a sandwich artist.

For the early part of the movie, I wasn’t completely sure what time period in which we were supposed to be living. It could have either been the distant past, or far into the future after some sort of nuclear disaster.

I soon discovered we were in a time period where man lives with dinosaurs and nobody wears pants. Yet they did have the technology to make leather, jewelry and hookahs. If you can pinpoint that exact time in history, please let me know.

The characters were speaking in an odd manner, using no accents but dropping some of the king’s English throughout their poorly-crafted dialogue.

As many holes as there were, there were also plenty of smiles. In an early scene, Thane tells the princess that she is now safe with him because he is capable of handling any living creature, man or beast, when it comes to battle. He goes on about his abilities while walking and glaring off into the distance and amazingly, when he turns back around, the princess is being hauled off by a group of men dressed like monks. Thane then delivers one of my favorite lines of the movie, as he just gives an “aw man” with the same amount of distress as if he had just seen the top scoop from his ice cream cone fall to the ground.

There are at least a couple of winks to the audience, one prominent one being the wizard they are searching for at the beginning of the film. At first referring to him as just “The Seer,” they then give his full name as “The Seer of Roebuck.”

Get it? Sears Roebuck?

Yeah.

That’s a little bit of a dated reference for me, but I still got a smile from it.

Another one of the funnier scenes really shouldn’t be funny at all, but the circumstances somehow justify a guilt-free laugh. The princess has been possessed by the evil wizard and is about to jam a dagger through Thane’s gullet as he sleeps, but our hero wakes up in the nick of time to thwart her attempt, then just punches her straight in the chin.

Now, hitting a woman is pretty much the least-funny thing imaginable. Somehow, Thane’s full-fisted right cross to knock out the possessed princess was actually made into a light moment. I guess the director deserves some credit for that achievement. Or he needs to see a psychiatrist.

One other little Easter Egg I got was recognizing the actor who was selling slave women (I know this review is making the film sound incredibly misogynistic and, well, I guess it is when broken down) as Elaine’s father from one early episode of “Seinfeld.”

There is some gratuitous nudity, though not much. There is a lot more gratuitous special-effects usage, as stock dinosaur footage is shown throughout, with actors and beasts never appearing in the same frame. The actor just looks into the distance, then we see the T-rex come out of his cave, then back to the running actor, then back to the T-rex. It’s pretty amazing to see where even low-budget effects have gone in a pretty short period of time.

It’s tough to figure out the plot even while watching, but you could do much worse with these 85 minutes. For optimal viewing, I suggest throwing it on in the background while you sort your laundry.