It is a pain seemingly no one else understands. It starts wide and gradually narrows to a point where the hopelessness is so deep and the pain so intense that everything else in between is lost, said Gina Kaulukukui, state
It is a pain seemingly no one else understands. It starts wide and gradually narrows to a point where the hopelessness is so deep and the pain so intense that everything else in between is lost, said Gina Kaulukukui, state chair of the Prevent Suicide Hawai‘i Task Force.
Editor’s Note: This is the first of three consecutive days in which The Garden Island will be focusing on suicide. This series aims to increase awareness of the issue by sharing personal stories while highlighting available resources.
We care, the community cares, and there are people here who can help.
It is a pain seemingly no one else understands. It starts wide and gradually narrows to a point where the hopelessness is so deep and the pain so intense that everything else in between is lost, said Gina Kaulukukui, state chair of the Prevent Suicide Hawai‘i Task Force.
The good news is there’s help and it’s free and readily available.
“Help is a phone call away,” Kaulukukui said. “The person at risk may not have the energy to do that, but a friend or a family member can.”
Kaulukukui, who is also a domestic violence coordinator at the Kaua‘i Police Department, has teamed up with Bridget Arume and Mary Campbell to educate the community on suicide prevention. Together, they are the real Charlie’s Angels.
Kaulukukui has lost close family members to death by suicide. She decided to take an active stance when she realized that something needed to be done to stop such unnecessary loss of life.
Arume was deeply touched when a high school boyfriend died by suicide. Today she works for the Department of Education as the district community liaison, helping children in public schools.
Campbell, a registered nurse who works as the Wilcox Memorial Hospital health administrator supervisor, sees first-hand those who could not get help fast enough.
In 2008, the Anahola community was shocked when three of its teenagers died by suicide in a period of six weeks. In that year alone, the island lost six people to death by suicide.
Kaulukukui and Kaua‘i Police Chief Daryl Perry decided something needed to be done to help the Anahola community.
“We didn’t want to be reactive; we wanted to be responsive,” Kaulukukui said.
That’s how the Suicide Prevention Kaua‘i Task Force, a spin-off from the state’s task force, was born. The task force provides education and removes some of the stigma surrounding death by suicide, Kaulukukui said.
“Everybody has a vested interest in this particular topic,” she said.
Kaulukukui’s statement is not to be taken for granted. The state’s death by suicide rate is higher than the homicide rate. Hawai‘i is also ranked third in the nation in attempts.
Studies show that at least 12 percent of high-school students in the state think about it, Kaulukukui said, making Hawai‘i the second-ranked state in the nation regarding the number of teens considering suicide.
As if these numbers weren’t enough, teen suicide is on the rise, she said.
Death by suicide also affects friends and family members left behind.
Perry and his wife lived through their own personal trauma when their son died by suicide years ago.
“We were in a fog for at least six months,” said Perry, adding that he and his wife can hardly remember what happened from the day their son’s death occurred all the way to his funeral.
“The impact really doesn’t hit you until you’re alone.” Perry said.
Inevitably, you start to get guilty feelings, questioning yourself if you missed something, or if there was something you should have done differently, he said.
“But the bottom line is you can’t bring back your loved one, so you deal with it as best as you can.
“I cannot speak for anybody else, because each pain is different,” Perry said. “But I know for me, to this day, it still feels like my heart has been ripped open.”
Education saves lives
Hope is higher than most may think because suicide is, as Kaulukukui said, “the most preventable death.”
She said there is a myth that if the media talks about death by suicide, there will be “copy-cat” suicides.
“That’s not true,” she said. “Education is power, and with that we can save lives.”
Kaua‘i public schools have a Mokihana office, where students are encouraged to come in and talk about their problems. The professionals at Mokihana offer options and help.
Arume said if classmates, friends or family suspect a student may be going through some kind of emotional hardship, they should refer the student to a Mokihana office.
“Anybody can do a referral, we’ll do the evaluation,” Arume said.
Arume also teaches parents how to look for signs. She tells parents that if they hear any kind of talk that could lead to an attempt, they should call 911, get them to an emergency room or seek mental-health help.
“Don’t wait on it, do it,” she firmly said.
Sometimes parents “just kinda feel hila hila about it,” said Arume, explaining that shame may play a decisive factor in stopping parents from seeking help.
She said part of her job is to drill parents and let them know that small comments could lead to a serious situation.
“We don’t talk about a lot of things because we think it’s awkward,” Arume said of society in general, explaining that topics such as sex, suicide and drugs are often taboo in conversations between parents and their children.
“Are you OK with dealing with the consequences of not talking about it?” Arume said she openly asks parents.
Campbell’s work at the hospital forces her to come in contact with those who are brought in after trying to take their lives. Sometimes the staff can still save them, other times, however, that’s not the case.
Children can be taught skills that will get them through their entire life, she said.
After seeing “perfectly healthy” young people arrive at the hospital after a suicide attempt, Campbell decided to be part of the solution.
Warning signs
Kaulukukui said people at risk give subtle warnings.
“Sometimes we just don’t listen to it,” she said.
People might hear a friend or a relative say things such as “I can’t stand being on this Earth anymore,” “I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up,” or “I’m done,” Kaulukukui said. “Never take those things for granted.”
Even a straight-A student who just got an F may be at risk, she said, because for that student the low grade can be catastrophic — proving to be a catalyst for a decision.
Even a person who is overly happy or apologetic for no apparent reason could be throwing out a sign, Arume said. An abrupt change is often a tell-tale sign.
How to react
“Somebody who’s made the decision of ending their life is not thinking about hurting themselves, and they are not thinking about death,” Kaulukukui said. “They are thinking about ending their pain.”
If someone throws out a warning sign, we should ask the person if he or she is OK. The next question is going to be: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” Kaulukukui bluntly said.
“If we ask the question we are going to get the answer, and it’s not always the answer that we would like,” she said. The next step would be to ask what is the plan and then disable it. From there we should “pass the baton” to mental-health professionals.
“There’s an ambivalence between life and death,” Kaulukukui said, adding that someone may be so focused on the pain that they may not recognize the ambivalence.
“That’s when that support can come in and help them to recognize that teeny spark, no matter how small that spark might be,” said Kaulukukui. That “teeny spark” is what may save a life.
Never tell a person plainly not to do it, she said, because at that stage they’ve probably already made up their mind. Instead, we should talk to them and try to understand what’s behind their pain.
“It’s what we do so well in Hawai‘i, it’s that talk story, it’s building that relationship,” Kaulukukui said.
Together, making
a difference
The Prevent Suicide Kaua‘i Task Force has several other members and they team up with different agencies whenever there’s a chance to educate the community.
“Each member brings another piece of the pie to the table,” Kaulukukui said.
There’s a relationship between suicide and domestic and sexual violence, and substance and alcohol abuse, Kaulukukui said.
Kaulukukui is also the co-founder and director of Life’s Bridges, a nonprofit that responds to every sudden and unexpected death on Kaua‘i, she said.
“If Life’s Bridges is going to a life fair, we get an opportunity to put a card in someone’s hands.”
Arume, Kaulukukui and Campbell believe they can make a difference, but they say they need everyone in the community to be involved.
“The collective effort will make an impact,” Arume said.
Education and collaboration are key factors to turn the statistics around. Besides Mokihana offices, 911 calls and Wilcox Memorial Hospital, another resource is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 1-800-273-TALK.
• Léo Azambuja, staff writer, can be reached at 245-3681 (ext. 252) or lazambuja@kauaipubco.com.
