Is your family normal?

Is your family normal? That is a misleading question since “normal” is a relative term and it erroneously implies that there is a static state of normalcy for families.

Is your family healthy? This, too, can be misleading since the term “healthy” seems to say that things always run smoothly and without problems.

A real family faces good times and bad times; has problems, laughter, love, stress, successes and conflicts.

So a better question to ask could be “Is your family functioning in a healthy way?” This phrase conjures up a moving picture and not a frozen condition. There is no perfect status that a family can remain in once they get there.

Family functioning is like a river. You can never step into the same river twice; the water is constantly moving and changing. On the other hand, there is some constancy in a family working at its best.

In her book Intimate Worlds, Maggie Scarf, who studied family life for eight years, describes some common family patterns of relating. On the low end of the spectrum there are the disturbed families where there is no authority and no real leadership. On level two, the polarized families function with rigidity, inflexibility and are rule-bound. Everything is black and white. Families at the optimal level have a core sense of security that says “we can work it out,” not “we have no problems.” Members in these families believe and carry out the philosophy that they have a responsibility to self and others. Personal accountability and responsibility are at their highest in families at this level.

 American Academy of Pediatrics lists some qualities to consider when determining if a family is functioning well:

-Is there humor and fun within the family in the midst of the real demands of everyday life?

-Does the family have rules that are clear, consistently applied; but are flexible enough to accommodate changes and growth within the family?

-Are the expectations for each member reasonable, realistic, and mutually agreed upon?

-Do parents and children have genuine respect for each other even when there are disagreements?

The Academy also provided some additional points for parents to reflect on:

-Do you treat each child as an individual? Each child is unique; so your relationship with each of them will be different. Treat every one according to their individual strengths, challenges, and temperaments.

-Is your family active with extended families and the community? Families function better when they are an active part of a larger group of family, friends or community.

-Does the time you spend with your family members add to good relationships among you? Most of your contacts with your child should not be totally problem-focused. The times spent should be fun, relaxing and relatively free of conflict.

-As a parent, are you taking care of your own needs? It is more important than you think. When you take time for self-care, you are setting a positive example for your child. Your children will thrive when your emotional needs are being met through healthy avenues rather than solely through your interactions with them.

-Do you take moral and social responsibility for your own life? You are the most powerful role model for your children. They learn by observing your actions, more than from listening to your words.

If your family is not presently functioning at its best, things can improve. Enduring growth can happen. If it seems too overwhelming, reach out for professional guidance if the situation calls for it.

Above all, no matter where you are on your journey, hope is a key ingredient to always have around.

 • Tram Vuong Meadows has been working as a therapist for 13 years. She currently works for a not-for-profit agency. Her labor of love also includes teaching Shotokan karate to kids and adults. She can be reached at tbhvm@aol.com.