With the Emmy nominations announced this week and the ESPY awards on TV tonight, I feel like I need to mark the mid-way point of 2009 with my own awards presentation. Hollywood award nights are usually exclusive and self-congratulatory, but
With the Emmy nominations announced this week and the ESPY awards on TV tonight, I feel like I need to mark the mid-way point of 2009 with my own awards presentation.
Hollywood award nights are usually exclusive and self-congratulatory, but you all have backstage passes to my festivities.
(*Black tie optional*)
Best Dance Sequence:
This one was a landslide victory for Shaquille O’Neal, who took the stage before the All-Star Game and broke it down with the Jabbawockeez. I feel fairly confident that 40 years from now, Shaq will have become successful at about 10 different ventures and be the more charismatic version of Bill Bradley. By that I mean that he will still be famous, but most people will say, “Wait, he used to play basketball?”
Worst Dance Sequence:
J.R. Smith of the Denver Nuggets doing his chicken strut in front of the Lakers’ bench in the final minutes of Game Four of the West Finals. I don’t mind the swagger, but I doubt the desired effect was to propel the Lakers to victory in the next two games and the NBA championship. If it was, J.R., you may appeal to the voting committee.
Best Performance in a Supporting Role:
Andy Roddick, who has lifted Roger Federer to many a Grand Slam title by not figuring out a way to beat him. This year he put on an amazing display in the Wimbledon final — by far his best effort against Federer in a major — and elevated the match to one of the great finals of all time.
Worst Performance in a Supporting Role:
Yao Ming’s foot, which has probably cost Yao all of next season and possibly beyond.
Boooo.
Best Performance in a Leading Role:
Oklahoma’s Blake Griffin came in a close second here, willing his team to 30 wins and an Elite Eight appearance with little to no help. However, the winner is North Carolina point guard Ty Lawson. He led his squad to the NCAA title and was the best player on the floor the entire tournament.
Also getting him points was that he had the most talked-about toe since Bunny Lebowski.
Best use of the word, “Laodicean”:
Kavya Shivashankar, 13, for the easy win. She took home the National Spelling Bee by correctly spelling “laodicean,” which is defined as “indifferent or lukewarm, especially in matters of religion.”
Coming in last place was Kurt Warner.
Best Dramatic Performance:
This one had LeBron James written all over it after he nailed the desperation 3-pointer in Game Two against the Magic to even the series at one game apiece.
Stay seated, LeBron. You lost the series. No trophy there, no trophy here.
The winner is Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. He orchestrated a season-defining drive in the final 2:37 of the Super Bowl and capped it off with an impossible pass to Santonio Holmes to grab his second Vince Lombardi trophy.
Clinching the award was how it changed millions of box pool winners around the world.
Worst Dramatic Performance:
Brett Favre.
Again.
Alright, we’re running short on time, mostly due to the fact that Favre just walked all the way to the stage to give his speech, then turned and walked back to his seat, then came back and started talking, then ran backstage, then left the building, then made us watch him eat a turkey sandwich, then sat back down.
I thank you all for attending and hope to see you back next year.
