A few weeks ago my husband told me I had a habit of leaving the side gate open when I left in the morning to walk the dogs. The ever vigilant safety patrol, Wes has spent 15 years reminding me
A few weeks ago my husband told me I had a habit of leaving the side gate open when I left in the morning to walk the dogs. The ever vigilant safety patrol, Wes has spent 15 years reminding me to lock doors and close windows. Having never so much as owned a house key growing up in Southern California I thought his caution was over the top. But one thing I’ve learned being married is to choose your battles wisely — to go to the mat over caution hardly seemed worth the energy. When Wes told me about the gate being left ajar “daily,” I vehemently denied it.
“I am very conscious of closing the gate,” I argued. “I think you’re exaggerating.”
The very next day I returned from my walk to find the gate screwed shut and unopenable.
“Oh my gosh,” I thought to myself. “He’s right.”
I walked into the house saying, “Okay you made your point,” and we both had a good laugh.
Caught, I assured him, “I get it. I will be more conscientious.”
Not a week passed and the exact same scenario unfurled. This time I walked into the house truly perplexed, telling my husband I couldn’t believe I’d done it again. Honestly, I was convinced before he pointed this habit out that I never (ever) left the gate open.
A few years ago this sort of thing might have led to an argument with me defensively calling Wes a bully and him arguing that I am too easily distracted. Luckily those days are passed for the most part.
After sharing my dismay over having done it again, Wes asked, “What are you doing as you leave?”
I told him I make the dogs sit on the inside of the yard until I open the gate, then we walk through it at a heel. I get so focused on their behavior that I completely forget to close the gate. After some discussion I decide that once outside, the new routine is to have the girls sit again on the outside while I shut the gate. It’s been a month and I haven’t forgotten so far.
What this made me wonder was how many places in my life am I unconscious of my actions?
My Mom told me once that it takes 28 days to make or break a habit. Now I am not so sure: If a realization (like getting caught red-handed) arrives then the habit can be quit immediately. The trick with the gate was my realizing what was distracting me in that moment. That blows a hole in the 28-day theory.
The gate is an easy one to assess because it’s a physical action confined to a specific time daily. What about habitual negativity or discrimination or what about alcohol use or lack of exercise? It gets complicated. I think we all have the ability to change quickly when the environment is right.
Growing up my mom used to like to tell my sisters and I that it didn’t matter what we had in common with the man we married — the question to ask yourself was, “Is he trainable?” Ultimately, trainability needs to flow both ways — and yes, I am discovering that I too am trainable.
• Pam Woolway is the lifestyle writer at The Garden Island. Her column “Being there” appears every other week.
