• How to achieve gay marriage in the U.S.
• Global warming solution worse than the problem?
• Birds of a feather
• Military can do no wrong
How to achieve gay marriage in the U.S.
In order for gay people to gain equal rights in this country, they should do the following: Start a religion.
Make up an imaginary friend called “Big Gay Al,” the super sky-god. Then, write a book with a whole bunch OF myths about creation, talking snakes, magical apple trees, virgin births, and a cosmic zombie who performed miracles like walking on water.
Now, call this book “holy,” and tell people that it is the actual word of “Big Gay Al,” the super sky-god. And make him the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic (oops, scratch that) racist; an infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.
Next, occasionally wear some funny costumes with, say, pointy hats for men or bee-keeper suits for women. If you appear on television, wear tons of makeup, have really big hair, and say things like, “Big Gay Al told me last night that San Francisco is going to have another earthquake unless all the straight people leave.”
Lastly, enact laws that allow only gay people to get married and call it freedom of religion. Done.
Phil Higginbotham, Kapa‘a
Global warming solution worse than the problem?
Global warming may be real or imagined but the big government attempts to address the issue deserve even greater attention in today’s economy.
In 2007, legislation passed that made Hawai‘i the second state in the nation to establish an enforceable limit on its greenhouse gas emissions. The cap requires a reduction in emissions to 1990 levels by 2020, which is approximately a 20 percent decrease from current emissions.
The economic costs of reducing CO2 emissions are significant and policymakers cannot afford to forge ahead with “clean” initiatives without addressing how small and large businesses, cost of living, and families will be harmed.
Hawaiians know too well that they pay some of the highest prices in the nation for their energy. Yet, an emissions cap will force prices to further increase, as the cap will set emissions level below what is now emitted at the current market level.
This forced reduction in energy supply below market demand will drive even higher energy costs. Ultimately, while their intentions are noble, Hawai‘i’s lawmakers must think twice before enacting measures that endeavor to preserve an arbitrary ideal climate by drastically reducing carbon emissions.
Future legislation should be a collaborative process involving citizens and small businesses, and focusing on long-term rather than quick-fix solutions that will exacerbate the economic recession.
Pearl Hahn, Policy Analyst, Grassroot Institute of Hawai‘i, Honolulu
Birds of a feather
The raucous redundancy of the rooster’s wake-up screech! Over and over and over again! There is a razor-sharp edge to his early morning blast that jars you awake. No way can one slip back into the comforts and bliss of sleep. The rant! The rave! The cute “cockle-doodle-do” attributed to the dream-shattering rooster is an euphemistic expression.
Today I write to publicly announce a change of heart. I want to crow a different tune. In an earlier letter, I bewailed the fact that the rooster ruled. His noise had distracted me — no, totally destroyed my ability of controlling my emotions — and, loosing it, I advocated an island wide eradication of the bird.
Now I have seen the light of day and have experienced a life-changing epiphany. In a sense I feel the excitement that a rooster must upon sensing the first rosy hue of the dawn of a new day. There is a tendency to crane my neck and flap my arms; and, there is a strange sensation in my vocal cords.
Learn to love the bird! Learn to appreciate his bright, colored feathers; the sharp dignity of his cocked eye; the skillful servicing and disciplining of his harem; and his bold confrontation of rivals to his roost.
By the way, I would also like to mention — merely in passing — a new business venture: the sale and weekly maintenance of ear plugs.
Charles Cushman, Koloa
Military can do no wrong
I find it ironic people want to yell and scream about our military. The dead fish, the sonar testing, etc. when its those men and women that allow the right to yell and scream in the first place.
I can’t help but wonder how many of the people preaching from their soapbox have ever laid their life on the line for the freedom to do so.
Joseph Lavery, Kapa‘a
